Lest you think Dima's the only one with speech issues, follow along with this conversation:
All 4 of us in the car, and we go over a bump.
Z: What was that bump?
M: A manhole cover.
Z: A mancover?
Muffled laughter from the front.
M: No, a manhole cover.
Z: A animal cover?
Not-so-muffled laughter from the front.
M: No, a manhole cover.
Z: I not know what you saying!
Flat out peals of laughter from the front. :)
Just for the record, we did then go on and explain it to him. :) :)
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Making connections
Dima had a really bad day on Tuesday. He had some instances of deliberate, intentional disobendience at school towards both his teacher and his principal, he was misbehaving whenever his teacher would turn his back, he refused to participate in class activities, he did some other inappropriate things--it was just generally an all-out bad day.
When Dima is anxious, he chews--on his fingernails, on whatever he's holding (pen, marker, etc.), and on his clothes...usually the cuffs of his sleeves if he's wearing long sleeves. Tuesday, he chewed a hole in the sleeve of his shirt. When I saw that, I knew something was up.
The boys are in preparation for a Thanksgiving feast that their two classes are putting on next week. Parents are invited to come participate in the feast and watch a little program that the classes have been practicing. The program is a few songs with hand motions and I think a couple of poems. On Monday, Dima's teacher had told me that Dima wouldn't participate in the rehearsals--he stands on stage with the classes and laughs along but doesn't actually do the songs. She wasn't sure if he didn't understand or was just being goofy.But Monday night at dinner, he sang the songs to me, complete with hand motions! Then came Tuesday. And a lot of thought on my part.
For those of you not familiar, the orphanages put on programs at various times during the year. Dima was never in school in Ukraine, so his only experience with a program like this was in the orphanage. And I think it was completely freaking him out.
Tuesday after school, Zhenya went with Mark over to work on the house, and Dima and I sat down and talked. I gave him the option of not participating in the singing--not as punishment, just as an option if he didn't want to do it. He initially said he didn't want to sing, but later in the conversation changed his mind. I told him that Mark and I would be coming next week to watch him and Zhenya sing, and he got really excited about that. He decided he did want to sing, and even got up and sang some more for me including the hand motions. ;) We talked a little more about it at bedtime, and I told him again how excited Mark and I are to get to come watch them.
Yesterday, Dima had the best day he's ever had at school.
He obeyed, he participated in the rehearsal for the program--he did everything right. As a reward, he got to go to another class to see their gerbils (he LOVES animals) and he got a little certificate sent home saying what a great day he had. The best part? He was so excited to have had such a good day.
Was all of his stress due to the program? I don't know. It's a trigger that never would have occurred to me, but it helps me remember that I need to be vigilant about paying attention to his stress cues (namely the chewing) and trying to ferret out what's going on. It also emphasizes to me how important it is that Mark and I be involved in the new things he does, to help reassure him that it's all okay. And I continue praying that God would help heal their minds. I don't want them to forget, but I don't want all of their experiences now to be tainted with the fear and bitterness of the past. I want them to be able to remember, but also to know that that was then, and this is now, and then and now are different.
When Dima is anxious, he chews--on his fingernails, on whatever he's holding (pen, marker, etc.), and on his clothes...usually the cuffs of his sleeves if he's wearing long sleeves. Tuesday, he chewed a hole in the sleeve of his shirt. When I saw that, I knew something was up.
The boys are in preparation for a Thanksgiving feast that their two classes are putting on next week. Parents are invited to come participate in the feast and watch a little program that the classes have been practicing. The program is a few songs with hand motions and I think a couple of poems. On Monday, Dima's teacher had told me that Dima wouldn't participate in the rehearsals--he stands on stage with the classes and laughs along but doesn't actually do the songs. She wasn't sure if he didn't understand or was just being goofy.But Monday night at dinner, he sang the songs to me, complete with hand motions! Then came Tuesday. And a lot of thought on my part.
For those of you not familiar, the orphanages put on programs at various times during the year. Dima was never in school in Ukraine, so his only experience with a program like this was in the orphanage. And I think it was completely freaking him out.
Tuesday after school, Zhenya went with Mark over to work on the house, and Dima and I sat down and talked. I gave him the option of not participating in the singing--not as punishment, just as an option if he didn't want to do it. He initially said he didn't want to sing, but later in the conversation changed his mind. I told him that Mark and I would be coming next week to watch him and Zhenya sing, and he got really excited about that. He decided he did want to sing, and even got up and sang some more for me including the hand motions. ;) We talked a little more about it at bedtime, and I told him again how excited Mark and I are to get to come watch them.
Yesterday, Dima had the best day he's ever had at school.
He obeyed, he participated in the rehearsal for the program--he did everything right. As a reward, he got to go to another class to see their gerbils (he LOVES animals) and he got a little certificate sent home saying what a great day he had. The best part? He was so excited to have had such a good day.
Was all of his stress due to the program? I don't know. It's a trigger that never would have occurred to me, but it helps me remember that I need to be vigilant about paying attention to his stress cues (namely the chewing) and trying to ferret out what's going on. It also emphasizes to me how important it is that Mark and I be involved in the new things he does, to help reassure him that it's all okay. And I continue praying that God would help heal their minds. I don't want them to forget, but I don't want all of their experiences now to be tainted with the fear and bitterness of the past. I want them to be able to remember, but also to know that that was then, and this is now, and then and now are different.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Answers to your questions
Thanks for all the comments and questions--I love those! :) I'm going to summarize some of the questions so if I don't answer exactly what you wanted to know, please leave me another comment and I'll try again.
Do the boys know?
Not exactly. We've talked about bringing more kids into the family and they are very excited about that, but they won't know about the girls until we get a travel date (at the earliest). Too many things can change with Ukraine. :)
Have the girls been available for adoption for very long?
I don't know how long they've been registered, but I know they are registered as there have been 2 or 3 families who have been referred to them and then opted not to adopt them. You might very well have seen their profile, Diana!
What other information do you have on the girls?
I do know what region and orphanage they are in, but I will not share any of that publicly until we have actually had our appointment and are in the process of adopting them. Other than that, we pretty much know only what is listed on Reece's Rainbow. We have, however, talked with another family that adopted from the same groupa as one of the girls so we have a little more information there.
Do you think Ukraine does bait-and-switch on prospective adoptive parents?
No, because Ukraine does not advocate for its children internationally. Do agencies do bait-and-switch...most definitely! Any agency that has photolistings for Ukraine is acting illegally, as Ukraine does not allow for children to be pre-selected for cost. The exceptions to pre-selection are learning about children through hosting programs, mission trips, and through other families that have adopted. Even in all of those cases, the SDA will not necessarily hold a child for you (particularly a young, healthy child). Reece's Rainbow gets all of their information from families who are adopting--so the information on the girls comes from families who have adopted from their orphanage. There is no money exchanged for any information and RR does not act as an agency. They simply advocate for children who need homes. Any family, working with any agency or independent facilitator, can adopt a child on RR.
How do you think your sons will respond to you returning to Ukraine?
This is an interesting question, because right now I don't think they "get" Ukraine. In the US, we learn about where we live (our country) when we start school. Even in kindergarten and first grade it can be difficult for children to grasp the concept of a whole country. Geography is normally taught starting at "neighborhood" and moving outward. Our boys had not started school when we brought them home, so they had never had any teaching on Ukraine as the country where they lived. And from their perspective, they never left (stay with me here LOL).
Mark and I were talking about this the other day, because the boys don't know that they ever flew in an airplane. Why would they? From the orphanage, they got in a car, got on a train (saw the train and got to look out the window as it was moving), got in another car, went into a building (airport), walked down a long hallway (gate to plane), and then sat down in some chairs for a long time (plane flight from KBP to JFK). On the plane we were not next to the window, so they never saw out. The plane had food, bathrooms, room to walk around--they have no clue that was an airplane. From their perspective, we took them somewhere else, but they don't recognize it as another country, just somewhere different than where we were before. The good thing is that we wouldn't be going back to the boys' orphanage, but I am concerned about the effect being somewhere where everyone speaks Russian would have on the boys. They have not responded well to Russian-speaking people here in the States.
Are you taking the boys with you?
This is something we're still discussing, and some of it will depend on when the adoption actually happens. If this one takes as long as the last one (almost 3 years!) we would definitely take them. If it happens this spring...we aren't sure. We don't really want to leave them for 3 weeks (initial trip) as we think that might be traumatic for them (just them personally, not all kids). But taking them with us brings a whole other set of challenges. We don't want them at the SDA meeting or at court--certain things are sometimes said in those places that the boys don't need to hear. Plus, we'd like to have time to bond with the girls before bringing them home. We're still looking at options with all of this so I'll keep you posted as the adoption progresses.
Do the boys know?
Not exactly. We've talked about bringing more kids into the family and they are very excited about that, but they won't know about the girls until we get a travel date (at the earliest). Too many things can change with Ukraine. :)
Have the girls been available for adoption for very long?
I don't know how long they've been registered, but I know they are registered as there have been 2 or 3 families who have been referred to them and then opted not to adopt them. You might very well have seen their profile, Diana!
What other information do you have on the girls?
I do know what region and orphanage they are in, but I will not share any of that publicly until we have actually had our appointment and are in the process of adopting them. Other than that, we pretty much know only what is listed on Reece's Rainbow. We have, however, talked with another family that adopted from the same groupa as one of the girls so we have a little more information there.
Do you think Ukraine does bait-and-switch on prospective adoptive parents?
No, because Ukraine does not advocate for its children internationally. Do agencies do bait-and-switch...most definitely! Any agency that has photolistings for Ukraine is acting illegally, as Ukraine does not allow for children to be pre-selected for cost. The exceptions to pre-selection are learning about children through hosting programs, mission trips, and through other families that have adopted. Even in all of those cases, the SDA will not necessarily hold a child for you (particularly a young, healthy child). Reece's Rainbow gets all of their information from families who are adopting--so the information on the girls comes from families who have adopted from their orphanage. There is no money exchanged for any information and RR does not act as an agency. They simply advocate for children who need homes. Any family, working with any agency or independent facilitator, can adopt a child on RR.
How do you think your sons will respond to you returning to Ukraine?
This is an interesting question, because right now I don't think they "get" Ukraine. In the US, we learn about where we live (our country) when we start school. Even in kindergarten and first grade it can be difficult for children to grasp the concept of a whole country. Geography is normally taught starting at "neighborhood" and moving outward. Our boys had not started school when we brought them home, so they had never had any teaching on Ukraine as the country where they lived. And from their perspective, they never left (stay with me here LOL).
Mark and I were talking about this the other day, because the boys don't know that they ever flew in an airplane. Why would they? From the orphanage, they got in a car, got on a train (saw the train and got to look out the window as it was moving), got in another car, went into a building (airport), walked down a long hallway (gate to plane), and then sat down in some chairs for a long time (plane flight from KBP to JFK). On the plane we were not next to the window, so they never saw out. The plane had food, bathrooms, room to walk around--they have no clue that was an airplane. From their perspective, we took them somewhere else, but they don't recognize it as another country, just somewhere different than where we were before. The good thing is that we wouldn't be going back to the boys' orphanage, but I am concerned about the effect being somewhere where everyone speaks Russian would have on the boys. They have not responded well to Russian-speaking people here in the States.
Are you taking the boys with you?
This is something we're still discussing, and some of it will depend on when the adoption actually happens. If this one takes as long as the last one (almost 3 years!) we would definitely take them. If it happens this spring...we aren't sure. We don't really want to leave them for 3 weeks (initial trip) as we think that might be traumatic for them (just them personally, not all kids). But taking them with us brings a whole other set of challenges. We don't want them at the SDA meeting or at court--certain things are sometimes said in those places that the boys don't need to hear. Plus, we'd like to have time to bond with the girls before bringing them home. We're still looking at options with all of this so I'll keep you posted as the adoption progresses.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
We can't stay away
We're heading back to Ukraine! :) :)
Yep, you read it right. We are going back to Ukraine to pursue two little girls with special needs. And yes, we are very well aware that these little girls are NOT being held for us--Ukraine does not allow for preselection which means they do not give hold children for families or give referrals until your SDA appointment. However, since they are a sibling set and they BOTH have medical needs, it is highly unlikely that they will be adopted. We are choosing to trust that God is leading us in this direction and we will follow Him. :)
Here they are:
Dana (blonde) is 4 years old. Eve (brunette) is 3 years old.
These girls are being advocated for by Reece's Rainbow, a 501(c)3 organization that advocates for the adoption of children with special needs, particularly Down Syndrome. I've been a follower of RR for quite a while and they do amazing work. If you are interested in helping to support our adoption financially, you can make a tax-deductible donation towards Dana and Eve's adoption. We will never see the money--it will go directly towards our adoption expenses. I'm hoping to have a button up on our blog linking to them sometime today, so stay tuned! :)
Yep, you read it right. We are going back to Ukraine to pursue two little girls with special needs. And yes, we are very well aware that these little girls are NOT being held for us--Ukraine does not allow for preselection which means they do not give hold children for families or give referrals until your SDA appointment. However, since they are a sibling set and they BOTH have medical needs, it is highly unlikely that they will be adopted. We are choosing to trust that God is leading us in this direction and we will follow Him. :)
Here they are:
Dana (blonde) is 4 years old. Eve (brunette) is 3 years old.
These girls are being advocated for by Reece's Rainbow, a 501(c)3 organization that advocates for the adoption of children with special needs, particularly Down Syndrome. I've been a follower of RR for quite a while and they do amazing work. If you are interested in helping to support our adoption financially, you can make a tax-deductible donation towards Dana and Eve's adoption. We will never see the money--it will go directly towards our adoption expenses. I'm hoping to have a button up on our blog linking to them sometime today, so stay tuned! :)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Following the boxes
Zhenya's class at school also did a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child and had a little packing party (all 9 kids in the class) to celebrate sending this box to a little girl. At dinner on Friday, Zhenya asked me where she is--the little girl who will receive the box. I said I didn't know and he said "we need to found her." I explained to him that we didn't know where she lived, so he decided he would go with Mrs. H (his teacher) to give the girl the box so he would know where she lived. So cute.
But it did open up another opportunity to talk about the boxes, so I put together one of the boxes from church (folded it up to make a shoebox) and then showed the boys one of the videos showing children receiving the shoeboxes. They were able to make the connection between the box sitting on our coffee table and the exact same boxes that they could see children opening in the video. Both boys noted how happy the children were to be getting the boxes, and we talked about how excited they were to be getting presents.
On Saturday, we went shopping for our shoebox items. Mark and I did all of the deciding as to what went into the boxes. We didn't even ask the boys for their opinion more because they didn't have any clue as to what would fit in the box or be appropriate. But the boys did go with us and we talked about the things we were buying that would go into the boxes for some other little boys and girls--and we left it at that.
Mark and I packed the boxes Saturday night after the boys were in bed. The boys were very happy and proud to be carrying their boxes into church on Sunday, but I think that was more related to being able to help carry them than anything actually associated with the shoeboxes. ;)
Next year, this will all be familiar, and perhaps they will be able to understand a little bit more about what is happening. But for now, I'm very happy with the way it turned out. Thanks for all of your thoughts and opinions!
But it did open up another opportunity to talk about the boxes, so I put together one of the boxes from church (folded it up to make a shoebox) and then showed the boys one of the videos showing children receiving the shoeboxes. They were able to make the connection between the box sitting on our coffee table and the exact same boxes that they could see children opening in the video. Both boys noted how happy the children were to be getting the boxes, and we talked about how excited they were to be getting presents.
On Saturday, we went shopping for our shoebox items. Mark and I did all of the deciding as to what went into the boxes. We didn't even ask the boys for their opinion more because they didn't have any clue as to what would fit in the box or be appropriate. But the boys did go with us and we talked about the things we were buying that would go into the boxes for some other little boys and girls--and we left it at that.
Mark and I packed the boxes Saturday night after the boys were in bed. The boys were very happy and proud to be carrying their boxes into church on Sunday, but I think that was more related to being able to help carry them than anything actually associated with the shoeboxes. ;)
Next year, this will all be familiar, and perhaps they will be able to understand a little bit more about what is happening. But for now, I'm very happy with the way it turned out. Thanks for all of your thoughts and opinions!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Response
A comment from my last post:
Play therapy is fine, but I think you should come right out and tell the kids that they are staying with you permantly. It sounds do simple, but have you done that? At this age they need information presented at a very concrete level.Regarding the gifts for children in need, I understand your derire to involve them and have family traditions, but you have time. Don't oush the issue. They may just be too you and at this stage the world revolves around them so it is hard to understand the needs of others. Also Dima's antsy response to mentioning the detksy dom is understandable even without knowing his complete background. It is a reminder to you as parents that their lives at the demsky dom we vere poor at best. Why would Dima want to remember that place? It's is like an adult recalling a terrible experience, you would rather not think about it or relive it.
Anon,
YES, we have definitely told them many times that they are with us forever. In fact, that was something we talked about EVERY NIGHT for several months. I've used lots of different language to explain that--since time is not a concept that kids this age fully understand, the idea of "forever" is not something they "get."
Last night Dima and I went over it again, albeit slightly differently. I want him to understand that no matter where I go, he's going too. So I told him (again) that he is going to live with Mama forever (stay with me on this one--I'm hoping I'm not prepping myself for a still-at-home 35yo son LOL). Then I asked him: If Mama moves to another house, where does Dima go? He looked at me and smiled, and I said "with Mama!" Then we repeated this several times with him telling me where he goes if I move somewhere. It's a lot of fun to do this, because when we have these conversations you can see him relax and he just starts smiling and giggling. The problem is it hasn't made it from his heart to his head (or vice versa depending on your perspective). He knows in his heart that we are his parents and he is with us always, but it's hard to convince that pesky mind with all of those memories that it's really true.
It's not so much that their lives at the detsky dom were bad. In fact, their lives were better there than they had been before that, and their orphanage was actually very nice in comparison to many that Mark and I have seen in Ukraine. It's that he doesn't want to go back. I don't think he's against remembering the detsky dom, but he thinks when we talk about it that it means he's going to go back there someday. So for us, I think it's important that when we are in safe situations and everyone is feeling comfortable, that we bring it up occasionally to help them understand that yes, it is okay to talk about it, and no, I'm never going back. Believe me, it's not a subject I push on them at all. I bring it up, see how they respond, and go from there. It's not like you can push meaningful dialogue and discussion with a 5 and 6 yo, especially when they don't have a great command of the English language. ;)
Play therapy is fine, but I think you should come right out and tell the kids that they are staying with you permantly. It sounds do simple, but have you done that? At this age they need information presented at a very concrete level.Regarding the gifts for children in need, I understand your derire to involve them and have family traditions, but you have time. Don't oush the issue. They may just be too you and at this stage the world revolves around them so it is hard to understand the needs of others. Also Dima's antsy response to mentioning the detksy dom is understandable even without knowing his complete background. It is a reminder to you as parents that their lives at the demsky dom we vere poor at best. Why would Dima want to remember that place? It's is like an adult recalling a terrible experience, you would rather not think about it or relive it.
Anon,
YES, we have definitely told them many times that they are with us forever. In fact, that was something we talked about EVERY NIGHT for several months. I've used lots of different language to explain that--since time is not a concept that kids this age fully understand, the idea of "forever" is not something they "get."
Last night Dima and I went over it again, albeit slightly differently. I want him to understand that no matter where I go, he's going too. So I told him (again) that he is going to live with Mama forever (stay with me on this one--I'm hoping I'm not prepping myself for a still-at-home 35yo son LOL). Then I asked him: If Mama moves to another house, where does Dima go? He looked at me and smiled, and I said "with Mama!" Then we repeated this several times with him telling me where he goes if I move somewhere. It's a lot of fun to do this, because when we have these conversations you can see him relax and he just starts smiling and giggling. The problem is it hasn't made it from his heart to his head (or vice versa depending on your perspective). He knows in his heart that we are his parents and he is with us always, but it's hard to convince that pesky mind with all of those memories that it's really true.
It's not so much that their lives at the detsky dom were bad. In fact, their lives were better there than they had been before that, and their orphanage was actually very nice in comparison to many that Mark and I have seen in Ukraine. It's that he doesn't want to go back. I don't think he's against remembering the detsky dom, but he thinks when we talk about it that it means he's going to go back there someday. So for us, I think it's important that when we are in safe situations and everyone is feeling comfortable, that we bring it up occasionally to help them understand that yes, it is okay to talk about it, and no, I'm never going back. Believe me, it's not a subject I push on them at all. I bring it up, see how they respond, and go from there. It's not like you can push meaningful dialogue and discussion with a 5 and 6 yo, especially when they don't have a great command of the English language. ;)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Preparing the heart
Every year since we've been married, Mark and I have "adopted" a child for Christmas, either through an Angel Tree opportunity, through Operation Christmas Child, or through the Hundred Neediest Cases here in St. Louis. Our church is acting as a collection site this year for Operation Christmas Child and we have picked up our boxes to put together and bring back to church.
I picked 4 boxes--2 boys and 2 girls. ;) Just planning ahead, you know.
The problem (and why I need advice) is this: How do I explain this to the boys? I have tried talking to them about there being other children who do not have many toys or gifts--no interest. I tried mentioning the detsky dom, and how when they were there they didn't have many toys and had to share everything, but when I bring this up I'm losing Dima. He gets very antsy and starts trying to change the subject or go do something else (Zhenya sort of listens politely and then asks if he can go play. LOL). My guess is that Dima remembers the detsky dom and thinks there's a chance he may have to go back there--that I'm bringing it up to prepare them to be sent back. Which breaks my heart, by the way.
So do Mark and I just prepare the boxes ourselves and not involve the boys? I had really hoped to make this a family thing, but maybe they're not ready emotionally to grasp this idea. And I still think they (at least Dima) don't understand that this home and family is permanent. I know they've been home almost a year, but if you knew their complete background it would make perfect sense why he would be expecting to leave--and most of his transitions in the past have happened during winter.
I'm thinking maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with Dima, and maybe a little play therapy to reinforce this idea of family. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on how to help them understand what we're doing with Operation Christmas Child, I'd appreciate it. :)
I picked 4 boxes--2 boys and 2 girls. ;) Just planning ahead, you know.
The problem (and why I need advice) is this: How do I explain this to the boys? I have tried talking to them about there being other children who do not have many toys or gifts--no interest. I tried mentioning the detsky dom, and how when they were there they didn't have many toys and had to share everything, but when I bring this up I'm losing Dima. He gets very antsy and starts trying to change the subject or go do something else (Zhenya sort of listens politely and then asks if he can go play. LOL). My guess is that Dima remembers the detsky dom and thinks there's a chance he may have to go back there--that I'm bringing it up to prepare them to be sent back. Which breaks my heart, by the way.
So do Mark and I just prepare the boxes ourselves and not involve the boys? I had really hoped to make this a family thing, but maybe they're not ready emotionally to grasp this idea. And I still think they (at least Dima) don't understand that this home and family is permanent. I know they've been home almost a year, but if you knew their complete background it would make perfect sense why he would be expecting to leave--and most of his transitions in the past have happened during winter.
I'm thinking maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with Dima, and maybe a little play therapy to reinforce this idea of family. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on how to help them understand what we're doing with Operation Christmas Child, I'd appreciate it. :)
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