Alex has had the most struggles with the beginning of the school year. A lot of the reason I wasn't posting was because of that--we were trying different things and I was hesitant to post until we had figured out what was going on.
We still haven't figured things out. :) :)
At the beginning of the school year, Alex started having "emergency" bathroom runs during school. And then he started having accidents at school. It has taken a lot of guessing and trying and...well, everything, to determine that this is not physical or a medical condition. Once we figured that out and implemented some controls at home (i.e., giving him the choice to pee in his pants or the toilet, but him also having to deal with the natural consequences of that--thanks, Diana!) all of a sudden all of the accidents at home went away. His teacher has not been willing to let him deal with the natural consequences so he is still doing emergency bathroom runs at school. But interestingly enough, only at about 3 pm, so just in case she doesn't let him go and he decides to push her on it, he only has to sit in wet pants for 15 minutes.
Smart boy.
So we've had a lot to get a handle on with Alex. I'm not sure why this popped up all of a sudden (and I do mean all of a sudden) but such is life. Other than that, Alex is doing well at school. His biggest struggles are in math but he is one of the top readers in his class and he LOVES to read. We're working a lot on his reading comprehension but a lot of that is starting to click as well. He is still excellent at spelling. It's been fun for me trying to figure out how to help the boys learn things because they learn so differently. Alex is a visual learner so when he is learning the states (all 50 of them) we write the names on the states--it doesn't work for him to write a number that corresponds to a list, or to do a puzzle of the states, etc. But for Tim (who as I mentioned CANNOT spell) he needs things hands-on, so I have been cutting up his spelling words and he has to put them in the correct order. His grade on his spelling test last week doubled after doing that (and it was still a really bad grade--that's how bad of a speller he is! LOL).
In other news, Alex has started counseling with a fantastic therapist. She actually has a couple of years experience counseling orphans in South Africa, so she understands more about Alex's background and some of the grief issues he deals with. Alex is doing great, and he's adjusting well, but we still feel like he has some trust and bonding issues related to the many changes that happened over the course of a couple of years in his life. We want to give him whatever help we can to become a whole, happy little boy and he LOVES going to see his counselor E. She's seeing a lot of the same anxiety as we do (stress over schedule changes, etc.) and I'm really hopeful she'll be able to help Alex learn some good coping skills for that.
Showing posts with label attachment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment. Show all posts
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
End of school
This week is the last week of school, which means the past couple of weeks have been crammed full of field trips, meetings, homework, etc.
I am wiped out. I slept for 9 hours Friday AND Saturday night. It felt great. :)
Things are hopefully going to start winding down and settling into a summer routine after this week, but we still have: a field trip (Emily), a trip to the dentist to replace two fillings (me), kindergarten graduation (Tim), AE graduation (Danielle), speech (Emily), and Shakespeare in the Park (all of us if I can make it work!). Plus normal school and work schedules for everybody.
One of the reasons I've been lax in posting is that I've wanted to post about Alex and haven't quite known what to post. We've really struggled with whether or not to send him to second grade next year. He is failing math but that is the only subject he is failing--everything else he has As and Bs. The bigger problem is that he does not seem to want to do the work a lot of the time, so we are working on helping him through some of that. A lot of his problems right now are stemming from some issues from the orphanage, we believe, so we are working on the best way to help him grow past this. Don't get me wrong--it will always be part of him, but there are some things he needs to work through right now in order to move forward.
I think in a lot of ways he's coming to a breaking point for himself where he realizes he needs to let go of some of the "old" and he's really struggling with that. Some of his habits and survival skills he has had for a long time. He is starting to see that he needs to let go of them but I think he's very scared of doing that--of really opening up. I don't want to say this is not about attachment because I'm sure some of this affects his feelings and interactions with us as well, but this is really about Alex and his view of himself (which is quite often where attachment problems come from too). I think Alex is secure in his place in our family. He shows good attachment signs and we have no qualms about his attachment, although I personally believe it takes longer than a couple of years for a child with a background like his to be firmly and completely attached.
This really boils down to his self-esteem and self-worth.
In addition to helping him work through some of those issues, we are tackling the math too. :) I recently purchased the Alpha set of Math-U-See. Alex is a very visual learner so I'm hopeful that this may help him "get" math better than the curriculum they use at school. We will be starting this after school is out and doing a little bit each day. I'm actually going to do it with the three oldest (not sure about Emily yet) as I think it will be beneficial for all of them, too.
NB: I've turned off comments for this post, not because I don't like you. :) :) I would love some encouragement right now but I'm not up for discourses on what we should be doing for Alex. I have not posted the full situation here nor how we are handling it and that is intentional. So please trust that we are working towards the best solutions to help Alex and please be praying for him and us that we can help him heal from his past. Thanks! :)
I am wiped out. I slept for 9 hours Friday AND Saturday night. It felt great. :)
Things are hopefully going to start winding down and settling into a summer routine after this week, but we still have: a field trip (Emily), a trip to the dentist to replace two fillings (me), kindergarten graduation (Tim), AE graduation (Danielle), speech (Emily), and Shakespeare in the Park (all of us if I can make it work!). Plus normal school and work schedules for everybody.
One of the reasons I've been lax in posting is that I've wanted to post about Alex and haven't quite known what to post. We've really struggled with whether or not to send him to second grade next year. He is failing math but that is the only subject he is failing--everything else he has As and Bs. The bigger problem is that he does not seem to want to do the work a lot of the time, so we are working on helping him through some of that. A lot of his problems right now are stemming from some issues from the orphanage, we believe, so we are working on the best way to help him grow past this. Don't get me wrong--it will always be part of him, but there are some things he needs to work through right now in order to move forward.
I think in a lot of ways he's coming to a breaking point for himself where he realizes he needs to let go of some of the "old" and he's really struggling with that. Some of his habits and survival skills he has had for a long time. He is starting to see that he needs to let go of them but I think he's very scared of doing that--of really opening up. I don't want to say this is not about attachment because I'm sure some of this affects his feelings and interactions with us as well, but this is really about Alex and his view of himself (which is quite often where attachment problems come from too). I think Alex is secure in his place in our family. He shows good attachment signs and we have no qualms about his attachment, although I personally believe it takes longer than a couple of years for a child with a background like his to be firmly and completely attached.
This really boils down to his self-esteem and self-worth.
In addition to helping him work through some of those issues, we are tackling the math too. :) I recently purchased the Alpha set of Math-U-See. Alex is a very visual learner so I'm hopeful that this may help him "get" math better than the curriculum they use at school. We will be starting this after school is out and doing a little bit each day. I'm actually going to do it with the three oldest (not sure about Emily yet) as I think it will be beneficial for all of them, too.
NB: I've turned off comments for this post, not because I don't like you. :) :) I would love some encouragement right now but I'm not up for discourses on what we should be doing for Alex. I have not posted the full situation here nor how we are handling it and that is intentional. So please trust that we are working towards the best solutions to help Alex and please be praying for him and us that we can help him heal from his past. Thanks! :)
Monday, April 05, 2010
Home
We made it home about 12:30 and Danielle promptly threw up in the car. :) I don't think it matters what meds they give her, she follows the same pattern: wake up miserable, sleep a bit more, wake up ready to go home, get home and throw up, then sleep another hour or so. Once she wakes up after the nap at home she's ready to go play. :)
Her eye isn't nearly as red this time but she looks a bit bruised underneath her eye, probably from the extra bleeding she had this time. She's in good spirits and did really well with all of it. She spent the afternoon playing outside. :)
I did find out that she's still not convinced I won't leave--or at least that she still gets concerned when she doesn't understand where I'm going. She did fine with me going to the bathroom while she was in her room after surgery (the nurse was with her) but when we left they had a nurse escort us out with Danielle in a wheelchair (she was really wobbly!). When we got to the parking garage I had to go get the car and Danielle stayed with the nurse. Apparently she got really worried I wasn't coming back. I think it was a combination of factors: she was in a different area of the hospital that she's not familiar with, she had a different nurse with her, and she didn't understand exactly what I was doing.
While I don't ever like her to be upset, I know that every time something like this happens and I do come back that it reinforces to her that I always will come back. I also reinforced that verbally after I had put her in the car. :)
Danielle will have a follow-up appointment in two weeks and hopefully we'll have a good prognosis, although we won't really know for a few months if her eyes will be able to maintain their desired positions.
Her eye isn't nearly as red this time but she looks a bit bruised underneath her eye, probably from the extra bleeding she had this time. She's in good spirits and did really well with all of it. She spent the afternoon playing outside. :)
I did find out that she's still not convinced I won't leave--or at least that she still gets concerned when she doesn't understand where I'm going. She did fine with me going to the bathroom while she was in her room after surgery (the nurse was with her) but when we left they had a nurse escort us out with Danielle in a wheelchair (she was really wobbly!). When we got to the parking garage I had to go get the car and Danielle stayed with the nurse. Apparently she got really worried I wasn't coming back. I think it was a combination of factors: she was in a different area of the hospital that she's not familiar with, she had a different nurse with her, and she didn't understand exactly what I was doing.
While I don't ever like her to be upset, I know that every time something like this happens and I do come back that it reinforces to her that I always will come back. I also reinforced that verbally after I had put her in the car. :)
Danielle will have a follow-up appointment in two weeks and hopefully we'll have a good prognosis, although we won't really know for a few months if her eyes will be able to maintain their desired positions.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Bedtime
When the girls came home we didn't have any comforters for their beds, but it was warm so it didn't matter since all of the kids were just sleeping with sheets. When it started to turn cool at night, we put the boys' comforters on the girls' beds and used blankets they already had on the boys' beds. We finally found some comforters we liked this past weekend at Target for the boys.
Last night as we were putting the boys to bed I put one of the new comforters on Alex's bed then asked him if he also wanted a blanket to go on top. He wanted his blue and white crocheted blanket. He asked me who had made his blanket and I told him great-grandma Mary. Who made the yellow blanket? Micah and Tiffany. Who made the train blanket? Grandma. Who made the [Tim's Curious] George blanket? Grandma.
Why did they make blankets Mama? They want us to be warm? Yes.
He got a huge grin on his face and gave me a big hug. There are still so many areas he struggles, and his self-confidence and self-worth are two of those areas. It baffles him to think that someone would want him to be warm. No one cared if he was warm the first five years of his life...what has changed??
Slowly but surely we are chipping away at the hurt he has from his first few years without us. Years of feeling alone and without worth.
Alex is not a material child--it is not the blankets that he is interested in. But the blankets represent that someone loves him enough to provide warmth and safety for him...and the blankets represent that there are now many people who love him and want to make sure he is safe and warm.
Sleep tight, my son, wrapped in the warmth of love and knowing you are home.
Last night as we were putting the boys to bed I put one of the new comforters on Alex's bed then asked him if he also wanted a blanket to go on top. He wanted his blue and white crocheted blanket. He asked me who had made his blanket and I told him great-grandma Mary. Who made the yellow blanket? Micah and Tiffany. Who made the train blanket? Grandma. Who made the [Tim's Curious] George blanket? Grandma.
Why did they make blankets Mama? They want us to be warm? Yes.
He got a huge grin on his face and gave me a big hug. There are still so many areas he struggles, and his self-confidence and self-worth are two of those areas. It baffles him to think that someone would want him to be warm. No one cared if he was warm the first five years of his life...what has changed??
Slowly but surely we are chipping away at the hurt he has from his first few years without us. Years of feeling alone and without worth.
Alex is not a material child--it is not the blankets that he is interested in. But the blankets represent that someone loves him enough to provide warmth and safety for him...and the blankets represent that there are now many people who love him and want to make sure he is safe and warm.
Sleep tight, my son, wrapped in the warmth of love and knowing you are home.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
A weekend with family
Mark had to work on Friday so we drove down to my mom's house Friday night. The kids slept a bit in the car and then we put them straight to bed when we got there. They settled back in nicely and were soon asleep. They've been excited all week about going to Babushka's house. It's been part of Tim's prayers every day--"Thank you I'm so excited we're going to Babushka's house!"
Saturday was a blast. We had lots of people at my mom's house for lunch: 1 from the top generation (my granddad), 4 from my mom's generation, 10 from my generation, and 9 from our kids' generation. Total: 16 adults, 8 kids, and 7 dogs. I was so thankful it was nice outside. ;)
The kids did wonderful and played with their extended family all day. I did put Emily down for a nap in the early afternoon and she was asleep within minutes. I'm sure the other three could have slept as well but they were really doing well. I was watching for some of their typical signs of overload or exhaustion but everyone was doing great so I let them continue playing. The biggest highlight of the weekend for me was with Emily. She did not fling herself on anyone (in part because we didn't let her get to that state of exhaustion) but she did have appropriate contact with people. She was looking at pictures on my cousin's camera and Wendy was sitting down and Emily just leaned against her gently with her hand on Wendy's knee. She didn't wrap her arms around her leg or ask to sit in her lap or any of the other behaviors we have seen in the past with people she doesn't know. At the end of the day when my sister and her husband were leaving, I was holding Emily. I intentionally passed Emily to Jon for a hug, took her back, then passed her to my sister for a hug. In the past, whenever she has had physical contact with people outside of our immediate family she would wake up screaming at night.
She didn't wake up. :) She slept all night long without a problem.
I'm so excited to see Emily's emotional growth as she learns what a family and specifically what a mama and a papa are and do. I was very intentional about the way I passed her to people for hugs. I wanted her to understand that I decide who is acceptable for her to hug and that she is not allowed to just go hug whomever she wants. That was the reason behind passing her to my brother-in-law then taking her back before passing her to my sister. I don't know if it really makes a difference. But it seems to me that even if it's not a conscious difference to her that it may stick subconsciously that "mama is in control and mama lets me hug people who are safe." I'm hoping we can continue to build on her understanding of our role in her world so that she will look to us for guidance as she expands her social network.
All of the kids slept so well Saturday night. :) Sunday they played a little bit but we headed home pretty early to make sure we were home in time to get ready for the week. I really dislike getting home late after a long weekend. We end up having a miserable time at bedtime and it just feels like a bad start to the week. It was great to get home and have the afternoon to unpack and relax at home. Baths and bedtime went really smoothly and they were all asleep within 15 minutes. :)
Saturday was a blast. We had lots of people at my mom's house for lunch: 1 from the top generation (my granddad), 4 from my mom's generation, 10 from my generation, and 9 from our kids' generation. Total: 16 adults, 8 kids, and 7 dogs. I was so thankful it was nice outside. ;)
The kids did wonderful and played with their extended family all day. I did put Emily down for a nap in the early afternoon and she was asleep within minutes. I'm sure the other three could have slept as well but they were really doing well. I was watching for some of their typical signs of overload or exhaustion but everyone was doing great so I let them continue playing. The biggest highlight of the weekend for me was with Emily. She did not fling herself on anyone (in part because we didn't let her get to that state of exhaustion) but she did have appropriate contact with people. She was looking at pictures on my cousin's camera and Wendy was sitting down and Emily just leaned against her gently with her hand on Wendy's knee. She didn't wrap her arms around her leg or ask to sit in her lap or any of the other behaviors we have seen in the past with people she doesn't know. At the end of the day when my sister and her husband were leaving, I was holding Emily. I intentionally passed Emily to Jon for a hug, took her back, then passed her to my sister for a hug. In the past, whenever she has had physical contact with people outside of our immediate family she would wake up screaming at night.
She didn't wake up. :) She slept all night long without a problem.
I'm so excited to see Emily's emotional growth as she learns what a family and specifically what a mama and a papa are and do. I was very intentional about the way I passed her to people for hugs. I wanted her to understand that I decide who is acceptable for her to hug and that she is not allowed to just go hug whomever she wants. That was the reason behind passing her to my brother-in-law then taking her back before passing her to my sister. I don't know if it really makes a difference. But it seems to me that even if it's not a conscious difference to her that it may stick subconsciously that "mama is in control and mama lets me hug people who are safe." I'm hoping we can continue to build on her understanding of our role in her world so that she will look to us for guidance as she expands her social network.
All of the kids slept so well Saturday night. :) Sunday they played a little bit but we headed home pretty early to make sure we were home in time to get ready for the week. I really dislike getting home late after a long weekend. We end up having a miserable time at bedtime and it just feels like a bad start to the week. It was great to get home and have the afternoon to unpack and relax at home. Baths and bedtime went really smoothly and they were all asleep within 15 minutes. :)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Six months home (plus a bit)
The girls have now been home for 6 months so I thought some of you might like an update.
Danielle: She walks nearly normally now and her legs have gotten so much stronger. A month or two ago when she was walking I could tell that her ankles were turning in due to weakness--even that has now corrected itself! We are constantly getting comments from parents and teachers at school about how much her walking and balance has improved. Danielle is VERY social and all of her classmates love her (the feeling is mutual). She loves school and loves to tell me all of the things she does each day. Her English is coming along really well. We can actually have conversations now and swap questions and answers. There are still times when she says things and I say "what??" and she shrugs and smiles and says "I no know" because she's trying to tell me something but she doesn't actually know the English word for it. She is such a funny girl--her new favorite word is "yeehaw" (they just studied cowboys in school). Danielle has gained 8 lbs in 6 months and weighs nearly as much as her brothers!
Emily: Our little talker is having a language explosion! Her speech is getting much clearer with her obdurator although most people would be hard-pressed to understand much of it. She absolutely loves to sing and walks around in the afternoons asking me to sing with her. Emily wants to do everything the big kids do and they do a really good job of looking after her (and tattling when she's doing things she's not supposed to!). She showers just like the big kids and has gained at least 5 lbs since coming home. She can dress and undress herself with the occasional exception of shirts (she has a hard time getting them off by herself). Emily is our snuggler and we usually spend 15-20 minutes in the afternoon with me "slinging" her without a sling. I hold her on my hip but tuck her right arm behind me and drop her down a bit and she snuggles into my chest. I think this has been great for her bonding. I've debated actually getting a sling (baby wrap, etc.) but since she's already at 30 lbs I'm not sure how much longer we'd be able to use it. We've seen a great decrease in her attempts to hug anything in sight but we still watch her like a hawk and usually head things off before she even gets a chance to try. Oh, and Emily can now run. And I do mean run. When we first got home she could barely walk so it's great to watch her take off after her siblings (although she gets mad when she can't catch them!).
Let me know if you have any questions about where they're at developmentally and their progress since coming home. I tried to hit some of the highlights but I might have left off some things that people would like to know. :)
I should mention that I LOVE the six-month mark. It just seems to feel like things are settling down at about 6 months home. Language is no longer such a barrier and I really start feeling a connection to the kids after 6 months. I felt this same way with the boys. I'm not sure if I need 6 months to adjust to them or they need that 6 months to adjust to family life, but either way it's great to see how far we've all come!
Danielle: She walks nearly normally now and her legs have gotten so much stronger. A month or two ago when she was walking I could tell that her ankles were turning in due to weakness--even that has now corrected itself! We are constantly getting comments from parents and teachers at school about how much her walking and balance has improved. Danielle is VERY social and all of her classmates love her (the feeling is mutual). She loves school and loves to tell me all of the things she does each day. Her English is coming along really well. We can actually have conversations now and swap questions and answers. There are still times when she says things and I say "what??" and she shrugs and smiles and says "I no know" because she's trying to tell me something but she doesn't actually know the English word for it. She is such a funny girl--her new favorite word is "yeehaw" (they just studied cowboys in school). Danielle has gained 8 lbs in 6 months and weighs nearly as much as her brothers!
Emily: Our little talker is having a language explosion! Her speech is getting much clearer with her obdurator although most people would be hard-pressed to understand much of it. She absolutely loves to sing and walks around in the afternoons asking me to sing with her. Emily wants to do everything the big kids do and they do a really good job of looking after her (and tattling when she's doing things she's not supposed to!). She showers just like the big kids and has gained at least 5 lbs since coming home. She can dress and undress herself with the occasional exception of shirts (she has a hard time getting them off by herself). Emily is our snuggler and we usually spend 15-20 minutes in the afternoon with me "slinging" her without a sling. I hold her on my hip but tuck her right arm behind me and drop her down a bit and she snuggles into my chest. I think this has been great for her bonding. I've debated actually getting a sling (baby wrap, etc.) but since she's already at 30 lbs I'm not sure how much longer we'd be able to use it. We've seen a great decrease in her attempts to hug anything in sight but we still watch her like a hawk and usually head things off before she even gets a chance to try. Oh, and Emily can now run. And I do mean run. When we first got home she could barely walk so it's great to watch her take off after her siblings (although she gets mad when she can't catch them!).
Let me know if you have any questions about where they're at developmentally and their progress since coming home. I tried to hit some of the highlights but I might have left off some things that people would like to know. :)
I should mention that I LOVE the six-month mark. It just seems to feel like things are settling down at about 6 months home. Language is no longer such a barrier and I really start feeling a connection to the kids after 6 months. I felt this same way with the boys. I'm not sure if I need 6 months to adjust to them or they need that 6 months to adjust to family life, but either way it's great to see how far we've all come!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Progress on many fronts
I'm excited to report that Danielle and I are starting to develop more of a relationship. This has been a lot of work on my part and I continue to struggle with it but I can see definite results. That encourages me to continue working so that she and I can have a great mother-daughter relationship throughout her life. In truth though, she's in love with her papa. :) In church on Sunday, he crossed his legs (ankle on knee) and while she normally crosses her legs like a girl as soon as she saw him do it she mimicked the exact same position. She will do anything and everything to get his attention (though her methods could stand some improvement). It's also understandable as she's never had a lot of male attention and isn't quite sure how to relate to him.
We finally seem to have found something that is of value to Dima. He loves playing soccer. So much so that when he was doing his homework the other night and started a wailing fit, I told him that if he didn't stop he would miss out on soccer practice.
He immediately stopped. Woohoo! We've been trying for a long time to find something of enough value to him that it would act as an incentive for him to change his behavior. Hopefully he continues liking soccer! Dima's also been doing really well in first grade academically. There are still a few gaps that we are addressing, but he's really doing a lot better than I had anticipated. Behaviorally he's still a bit on the young side I think, but he's making a lot of improvements and I'm really glad he has the teacher he does this year.
Emily's official insurance coverage letter for anesthesia (for her dental work) came through this week. I think they're only covering 80% but believe me I am happy they are covering any of it. She is absolutely loving preschool and they adore her. Her teacher works so hard at not being affectionate with her and I really do think it is paying off. Of course, just when I think we're making progress, she throws herself on some poor man at soccer practice. Sigh. It's a good thing she's cute!
We finally seem to have found something that is of value to Dima. He loves playing soccer. So much so that when he was doing his homework the other night and started a wailing fit, I told him that if he didn't stop he would miss out on soccer practice.
He immediately stopped. Woohoo! We've been trying for a long time to find something of enough value to him that it would act as an incentive for him to change his behavior. Hopefully he continues liking soccer! Dima's also been doing really well in first grade academically. There are still a few gaps that we are addressing, but he's really doing a lot better than I had anticipated. Behaviorally he's still a bit on the young side I think, but he's making a lot of improvements and I'm really glad he has the teacher he does this year.
Emily's official insurance coverage letter for anesthesia (for her dental work) came through this week. I think they're only covering 80% but believe me I am happy they are covering any of it. She is absolutely loving preschool and they adore her. Her teacher works so hard at not being affectionate with her and I really do think it is paying off. Of course, just when I think we're making progress, she throws herself on some poor man at soccer practice. Sigh. It's a good thing she's cute!
Friday, August 28, 2009
I think we've traumatized her teacher
When I picked Emily up from preschool on Wednesday, her teacher told me that Emily had gotten knocked down when she walked right in front of someone who was swinging (amazingly enough, I think she's the first of our kids to actually get hit!). Her teacher was nearly in tears as she told me that it took everything she had not to cuddle Emily to comfort her...but she didn't!! She got Emily all cleaned up and comforted her by just talking to her and putting a hand on her arm.
I want to give a huge thanks to Miss K and all of the other teachers in the preschool who are trying so hard to help us with Emily's attachment! They have all been wonderful at trying to understand and follow our requests, even when it goes against their very mother-natures. Emily now gives hugs to Mark when she is dropped off and comes running to give me hugs with a big grin when I pick her up. She is getting better at maintaining distance from people she doesn't know--although she'll still walk up and talk to them, she doesn't try to touch or hug people as often.
At the beginning of the week, Miss K noticed that Emily was lagging behind in coming in from the mulch-covered playground. When she turned to talk to her to encourage her to keep up, she noticed Emily's pants looked a lot more full than they should have. Knowing that we weren't completely convinced about Emily being potty-trained, she took Emily inside and got all ready--gloves, wipes, the whole outfit--anticipating that Emily had had an accident in her pants. When she pulled Emily's pants down to change her, she didn't find poop...she found wood chips! :) :) I'm sure Emily was much more comfortable after those were emptied out!!
I want to give a huge thanks to Miss K and all of the other teachers in the preschool who are trying so hard to help us with Emily's attachment! They have all been wonderful at trying to understand and follow our requests, even when it goes against their very mother-natures. Emily now gives hugs to Mark when she is dropped off and comes running to give me hugs with a big grin when I pick her up. She is getting better at maintaining distance from people she doesn't know--although she'll still walk up and talk to them, she doesn't try to touch or hug people as often.
At the beginning of the week, Miss K noticed that Emily was lagging behind in coming in from the mulch-covered playground. When she turned to talk to her to encourage her to keep up, she noticed Emily's pants looked a lot more full than they should have. Knowing that we weren't completely convinced about Emily being potty-trained, she took Emily inside and got all ready--gloves, wipes, the whole outfit--anticipating that Emily had had an accident in her pants. When she pulled Emily's pants down to change her, she didn't find poop...she found wood chips! :) :) I'm sure Emily was much more comfortable after those were emptied out!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thunderstorms
Last night we had a string of thunderstorms roll through about 1am. The lightning woke me up, but I didn't hear anything from the kids. Both Mark and I were awake and more or less dozing when we had a really big thunderclap and I rolled over and said "That one's gonna be a problem..." at which point the crying started (not me ;)).
He got up and went in to the girls and I was in bed debating whether I needed to get up as well when we had a second really loud thunderclap that had me covering my ears--at which point Emily started screaming. I went in and took Emily from Mark who was sitting on Danielle's bed trying to comfort both of them (they sleep in the same room). Emily's not actually scared of the thunderstorms, but she really didn't like the thunder being that loud. Danielle, on the other hand, is scared of thunderstorms so it was all a bit more traumatic for her. I put Emily back to bed and sat with her and once Danielle was calmed down Mark went to check on the boys. Zhenya was still sleeping and Dima was awake but unconcerned, and by the time I went to check on him about 10 minutes later he was back asleep.
The best part was that we sat with the girls for about 15-20 minutes, during which time they were both willing and able to be comforted and then fell back asleep without any problems. That tells me that they feel safe and comfortable with us and that they are learning to trust that we are there to protect and comfort them. Those are all really good things for them to be learning! :)
I was really glad they were able to go back to sleep as Danielle and Zhenya have their first half-day today. Dima has another full day and Emily will be at preschool most of the day. And Mark will be tackling some projects around the house!
He got up and went in to the girls and I was in bed debating whether I needed to get up as well when we had a second really loud thunderclap that had me covering my ears--at which point Emily started screaming. I went in and took Emily from Mark who was sitting on Danielle's bed trying to comfort both of them (they sleep in the same room). Emily's not actually scared of the thunderstorms, but she really didn't like the thunder being that loud. Danielle, on the other hand, is scared of thunderstorms so it was all a bit more traumatic for her. I put Emily back to bed and sat with her and once Danielle was calmed down Mark went to check on the boys. Zhenya was still sleeping and Dima was awake but unconcerned, and by the time I went to check on him about 10 minutes later he was back asleep.
The best part was that we sat with the girls for about 15-20 minutes, during which time they were both willing and able to be comforted and then fell back asleep without any problems. That tells me that they feel safe and comfortable with us and that they are learning to trust that we are there to protect and comfort them. Those are all really good things for them to be learning! :)
I was really glad they were able to go back to sleep as Danielle and Zhenya have their first half-day today. Dima has another full day and Emily will be at preschool most of the day. And Mark will be tackling some projects around the house!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Blame it on the cold
...or the Nyquil ;)
After I got a few comments regarding attachment, I asked Mark (without rereading the blog post) if I had said something about Danielle already being attached to us. Um, yes, apparently I did.
"Danielle is pretty firmly attached already and cries anytime she thinks we might be leaving her somewhere else (and also puts a death grip on our necks or whatever else she can get hold of)."
Sorry, not at all what I meant to say, nor what I believe is going on with Danielle. That fog of plugged sinuses apparently had me living several months in the future. :) :) In reality, Danielle is making great progress towards attaching with us, but it will be several months before I could even venture to say that she has solid attachment--maybe longer, depending on how things go. She is doing really well, but I would definitely only characterize her place right now as--at best--insecure attachment. After all, she's only been with us for 2 weeks, and part of that was still in Ukraine.
I apologize for not answering the questions about the girls' names earlier. We are currently calling them Danielle Bogdana and Emily Ivanna, and transitioning to Danielle and Emily. Danielle will already answer to just "Danielle" and if you ask her where Danielle is (in Russian) she points to herself and says "ya!" (me) with a big smile. Emily is slowly beginning to respond to her name, but she never responded to Ivanna (or Ivanka, which she was called more often) in the orphanage so we knew we'd have an uphill battle there. She's never been expected to communicate at all--she's been treated as a total mental invalid for the first 3 years of her life. Don't get me wrong--her orphanage and staff were great. But they never treated her like a normal child and her social skills (and life skills) have suffered tremendously as a result. She is now learning that communication--not temper tantrums--get you things you want and we are seeing marked improvement in her behavior and ability to communicate.
The question was asked as to why we changed the girls' names and not the boys. The boys' names were changed too--they are Alexander Dimitri and Timothy Evgeniy--but we continued calling them by their nicknames once we came home. In hindsight, I wish we had changed what we called them. I think it would have been especially good for Dima to put some of his past behind him. I'm hoping to talk to the boys some about it this summer and let them choose what they would like to be called, but at this point I think it will be strictly their choice.
After I got a few comments regarding attachment, I asked Mark (without rereading the blog post) if I had said something about Danielle already being attached to us. Um, yes, apparently I did.
"Danielle is pretty firmly attached already and cries anytime she thinks we might be leaving her somewhere else (and also puts a death grip on our necks or whatever else she can get hold of)."
Sorry, not at all what I meant to say, nor what I believe is going on with Danielle. That fog of plugged sinuses apparently had me living several months in the future. :) :) In reality, Danielle is making great progress towards attaching with us, but it will be several months before I could even venture to say that she has solid attachment--maybe longer, depending on how things go. She is doing really well, but I would definitely only characterize her place right now as--at best--insecure attachment. After all, she's only been with us for 2 weeks, and part of that was still in Ukraine.
I apologize for not answering the questions about the girls' names earlier. We are currently calling them Danielle Bogdana and Emily Ivanna, and transitioning to Danielle and Emily. Danielle will already answer to just "Danielle" and if you ask her where Danielle is (in Russian) she points to herself and says "ya!" (me) with a big smile. Emily is slowly beginning to respond to her name, but she never responded to Ivanna (or Ivanka, which she was called more often) in the orphanage so we knew we'd have an uphill battle there. She's never been expected to communicate at all--she's been treated as a total mental invalid for the first 3 years of her life. Don't get me wrong--her orphanage and staff were great. But they never treated her like a normal child and her social skills (and life skills) have suffered tremendously as a result. She is now learning that communication--not temper tantrums--get you things you want and we are seeing marked improvement in her behavior and ability to communicate.
The question was asked as to why we changed the girls' names and not the boys. The boys' names were changed too--they are Alexander Dimitri and Timothy Evgeniy--but we continued calling them by their nicknames once we came home. In hindsight, I wish we had changed what we called them. I think it would have been especially good for Dima to put some of his past behind him. I'm hoping to talk to the boys some about it this summer and let them choose what they would like to be called, but at this point I think it will be strictly their choice.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Still here!
The end of the week got kind of busy, and now I've picked up Mark's cold and haven't felt much like posting. I still don't feel very good, but figured you might be wondering if we had driven our new van off of a highway or something and I better post. ;)
The girls had their first pediatrician appointment on Thursday and that went really well. I LOVE our new pediatrician! She is great and will be a great resource for us. She's actually never had a patient with cleft palate before and is excited to follow the process and learn with us. She was very impressed that we had already set up Emily's TEAM meeting and surgery.
On Friday I contacted the cerebral palsy (CP) department at Children's Hospital for Danielle but the woman I needed to speak with was out of the office. I left our information with someone else and they are supposed to be getting back with me. The process to be evaluated sounded very complicated over the phone so I'm hoping it's easier (and faster) than it sounds.
The boys are slowly adjusting to having their sisters here. We've been having some behavior issues from both boys that were happening before the girls came home that we're still dealing with. A good portion of that is coming because it's the end of the school year and their routines at school have been tossed in the trash. Every day is different and our boys really need routine to function well (as do most kids). The increase in behavior problems has been with their whole classes, not just the boys, but then those behaviors tend to spill over into home life which just doesn't work. We're trying to be as consistent as possible and weather this last week of school. Then they're home with me all day, which will be a rude awakening I think. ;)
Danielle is picking up English pretty quickly, and we're using lots of signs with Emily. She is picking up a lot and has several she does without prompting. She's got a good head on her shoulders but she's never been expected to communicate so we are starting from scratch with actual give-and-take communication. Emily is also our indiscriminately affectionate one and will go to anyone who will pick her up. Please don't be offended if we ask you not to pick her up or even touch her--we've got to establish some clear boundaries and bonding for her before she can spend time with anyone else. At this point, she still does not know that I am mama--if you ask her where mama is she will go looking all over the house, even if she started in the same room as me, and she will not identify me as mama. She is very affectionate with me and loves to be held by me, she just doesn't realize I'm any different than any other person. This is not unexpected and will just take some time for her to learn. She has been in the orphanage since birth and has never experienced a mama before.
Danielle is pretty firmly attached already and cries anytime she thinks we might be leaving her somewhere else (and also puts a death grip on our necks or whatever else she can get hold of). Both girls are starting to sleep better at night and we usually only have one of the other waking up once at night. Emily is doing okay with potty training, although we're still working on getting her to tell us when she needs to go. She does go in the toilet if she is placed there, so we're just working a lot on the communication aspect.
The dogs like Danielle's therapy stretches
Not all 6 of us, but it takes one of us to work the camera and the other to get all of the kids looking at it ;)
The girls had their first pediatrician appointment on Thursday and that went really well. I LOVE our new pediatrician! She is great and will be a great resource for us. She's actually never had a patient with cleft palate before and is excited to follow the process and learn with us. She was very impressed that we had already set up Emily's TEAM meeting and surgery.
On Friday I contacted the cerebral palsy (CP) department at Children's Hospital for Danielle but the woman I needed to speak with was out of the office. I left our information with someone else and they are supposed to be getting back with me. The process to be evaluated sounded very complicated over the phone so I'm hoping it's easier (and faster) than it sounds.
The boys are slowly adjusting to having their sisters here. We've been having some behavior issues from both boys that were happening before the girls came home that we're still dealing with. A good portion of that is coming because it's the end of the school year and their routines at school have been tossed in the trash. Every day is different and our boys really need routine to function well (as do most kids). The increase in behavior problems has been with their whole classes, not just the boys, but then those behaviors tend to spill over into home life which just doesn't work. We're trying to be as consistent as possible and weather this last week of school. Then they're home with me all day, which will be a rude awakening I think. ;)
Danielle is picking up English pretty quickly, and we're using lots of signs with Emily. She is picking up a lot and has several she does without prompting. She's got a good head on her shoulders but she's never been expected to communicate so we are starting from scratch with actual give-and-take communication. Emily is also our indiscriminately affectionate one and will go to anyone who will pick her up. Please don't be offended if we ask you not to pick her up or even touch her--we've got to establish some clear boundaries and bonding for her before she can spend time with anyone else. At this point, she still does not know that I am mama--if you ask her where mama is she will go looking all over the house, even if she started in the same room as me, and she will not identify me as mama. She is very affectionate with me and loves to be held by me, she just doesn't realize I'm any different than any other person. This is not unexpected and will just take some time for her to learn. She has been in the orphanage since birth and has never experienced a mama before.
Danielle is pretty firmly attached already and cries anytime she thinks we might be leaving her somewhere else (and also puts a death grip on our necks or whatever else she can get hold of). Both girls are starting to sleep better at night and we usually only have one of the other waking up once at night. Emily is doing okay with potty training, although we're still working on getting her to tell us when she needs to go. She does go in the toilet if she is placed there, so we're just working a lot on the communication aspect.
The dogs like Danielle's therapy stretches
Not all 6 of us, but it takes one of us to work the camera and the other to get all of the kids looking at it ;)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
We made it!
Both home and through the first 24 hours or so of being a family of 6! LOL
The flights home went really well. The girls did pretty good on the flights, although Emily spent about 3 hours crying on the flight from Frankfurt to Chicago. She was supposed to be resting and had no real desire to do that. She didn't seem to be disturbing any of the other passengers so we pretty much let it go. By the final flight to St Louis, both of the girls were getting pretty loopy. Not too surprising since they had been up for 20 hours!
Waiting at the Kyiv airport
Waiting at the Frankfurt airport
The newest US citizens in our house (check out their cute bows!)
My mom and the boys picked us up at the St Louis airport. We got the girls home and the biggest problem was getting the boys to leave them alone! We fed the girls a small dinner then put them to bed. Bedtime actually went pretty well, all things considered. The past few nights with the girls they had been doing a lot of rocking side to side. We had been hesitant to try to correct this because it is common for children who have been institutionalized to do these types of self-stimulation/self-comfort behaviors, but this didn't seem to be the type of rocking that I had read about and seemed to be more designed to keep them awake. So our first night home, when the girls started rocking, I went in and told them no. When it continued, Danielle was disciplined and then a little later Emily--twice. Not only did the rocking stop, but tonight when they went to bed Danielle did not rock at all and Emily stopped after one verbal reminder. I think my hunch was right that this is not a subconcious behavior. We'll see how it plays out as things go on. I don't want to expect them to change behaviors that they literally cannot, but I also don't want to allow them to continue behaviors that they can change. We're just playing it by ear right now to see what they need.
Today we went to the playground twice and the girls had a really good day. We had a couple of meltdowns but very mild compared to the boys' after we brought them home. I seem to remember that the boys' tantrums increased in intensity after a little while home as they started testing more boundaries and that may be the case with the girls too. All of the kids have been playing together really well which is great.
We'll be staying pretty close to home and not entertaining any visitors for the first month or so home just to help solidify our relationship with the girls, in particular Emily. That girl would gladly go to anyone who would pick her up--not because she's searching for a new mom but because she loves to be held! We're encouraging her to do a lot of walking. Both of the girls have very low muscle tone and need a lot of exercise and play.
Tomorrow I will be calling the pediatrician and hopefully we will be able to get in this week or next to get things started. We've already scheduled Emily's team meeting (end of May) and cleft palate surgery (end of June) and we need to get a jump on Danielle's strabismus (crossed/lazy eye). We don't think her strabismus is too severe but I think it may be giving her problems with her depth perception, which also increases her difficulty with walking. One thing at a time, right? :)
Oh, for Mother's Day one of my presents from Mark was the movie "Cheaper by the Dozen." I asked him if that was a hint... ;)
The flights home went really well. The girls did pretty good on the flights, although Emily spent about 3 hours crying on the flight from Frankfurt to Chicago. She was supposed to be resting and had no real desire to do that. She didn't seem to be disturbing any of the other passengers so we pretty much let it go. By the final flight to St Louis, both of the girls were getting pretty loopy. Not too surprising since they had been up for 20 hours!
Waiting at the Kyiv airport
Waiting at the Frankfurt airport
The newest US citizens in our house (check out their cute bows!)
My mom and the boys picked us up at the St Louis airport. We got the girls home and the biggest problem was getting the boys to leave them alone! We fed the girls a small dinner then put them to bed. Bedtime actually went pretty well, all things considered. The past few nights with the girls they had been doing a lot of rocking side to side. We had been hesitant to try to correct this because it is common for children who have been institutionalized to do these types of self-stimulation/self-comfort behaviors, but this didn't seem to be the type of rocking that I had read about and seemed to be more designed to keep them awake. So our first night home, when the girls started rocking, I went in and told them no. When it continued, Danielle was disciplined and then a little later Emily--twice. Not only did the rocking stop, but tonight when they went to bed Danielle did not rock at all and Emily stopped after one verbal reminder. I think my hunch was right that this is not a subconcious behavior. We'll see how it plays out as things go on. I don't want to expect them to change behaviors that they literally cannot, but I also don't want to allow them to continue behaviors that they can change. We're just playing it by ear right now to see what they need.
Today we went to the playground twice and the girls had a really good day. We had a couple of meltdowns but very mild compared to the boys' after we brought them home. I seem to remember that the boys' tantrums increased in intensity after a little while home as they started testing more boundaries and that may be the case with the girls too. All of the kids have been playing together really well which is great.
We'll be staying pretty close to home and not entertaining any visitors for the first month or so home just to help solidify our relationship with the girls, in particular Emily. That girl would gladly go to anyone who would pick her up--not because she's searching for a new mom but because she loves to be held! We're encouraging her to do a lot of walking. Both of the girls have very low muscle tone and need a lot of exercise and play.
Tomorrow I will be calling the pediatrician and hopefully we will be able to get in this week or next to get things started. We've already scheduled Emily's team meeting (end of May) and cleft palate surgery (end of June) and we need to get a jump on Danielle's strabismus (crossed/lazy eye). We don't think her strabismus is too severe but I think it may be giving her problems with her depth perception, which also increases her difficulty with walking. One thing at a time, right? :)
Oh, for Mother's Day one of my presents from Mark was the movie "Cheaper by the Dozen." I asked him if that was a hint... ;)
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Change in plans
Alternative title: "I Am A Big, Fat Liar"
Wednesday was the great paperwork chase. And that it was. We started out at 7:30am and we literally went either 0 km/hour or 200 km/hour (yes, that would be 124 mph) all day. And I do mean LITERALLY.
We survived. :) :)
The most interesting event of the day was being told at 7:30 in the morning that there was a chance we might be able to get the girls' passports in one day. Um, what?? As the day went on, it went from being a small chance to 30% to "if we're lucky" to 80% to "here are your passports; we're picking up the girls and going back to Kyiv tonight. Go pack."
Yeah, it hit us probably about like it just hit you. So as I'm typing this--from KYIV--we are completely done with our adoption process except for picking up the girls' visas, which will happen tomorrow morning at 9am. We have already changed our flights and will be leaving on Saturday morning at 5:30am on Lufthansa. We'll be home Saturday night. Can you believe it? Neither can we, and we're living it. ;)
Our time with the girls has been good. Danielle is already very attached. She's been waiting for a mama and papa for a long time and she gets concerned anytime one of us goes somewhere without everybody (into another building, out of the apartment, etc.). Emily is behaving pretty much as I expected. She was the pet of her groupa, and anytime she cried they gave her a cookie or a toy or whatever she wanted to get her to stop. Let's just say she's not receiving the same treatment now. ;) We had a long episode this afternoon that lasted for a couple of hours and was not pretty. Lots of self-stimulation behaviors--hand-flapping, hitting herself in the head--and just general disdain for doing what I wanted her to do (which was put her slippers on). Funny thing though, I asked her if she wanted to put her slippers on or go to sleep (neither of which she answered) and she continued with her behavior. As soon as I started to get her sleeping pallet out, she reached out and took hold of one of her slippers and put it on. ;)
Emily was pretty much an angel the rest of the evening and had lots of hugs and kisses for me before bedtime. She was not happy about having a bath but I bathed the girls together and she had decided it was okay by the end. Danielle is pretty self-sufficient in the bathtub--she does better than our boys do! They both had a hard time falling asleep tonight which is not a surprise. They are so over-stimulated just from all of the changes of the past few days. It took our boys a few months to really settle into a good sleep pattern, and I'm sure the girls will have a similar adjustment to make.
We are thrilled to be coming home so early; I had really anticipated that if we needed to change our flights it would be to extend our trip. We've got internet in our apartment in Kyiv now so I should be able to blog over the next couple of days. Sorry for the lack of pictures--we haven't had time to take any!
Wednesday was the great paperwork chase. And that it was. We started out at 7:30am and we literally went either 0 km/hour or 200 km/hour (yes, that would be 124 mph) all day. And I do mean LITERALLY.
We survived. :) :)
The most interesting event of the day was being told at 7:30 in the morning that there was a chance we might be able to get the girls' passports in one day. Um, what?? As the day went on, it went from being a small chance to 30% to "if we're lucky" to 80% to "here are your passports; we're picking up the girls and going back to Kyiv tonight. Go pack."
Yeah, it hit us probably about like it just hit you. So as I'm typing this--from KYIV--we are completely done with our adoption process except for picking up the girls' visas, which will happen tomorrow morning at 9am. We have already changed our flights and will be leaving on Saturday morning at 5:30am on Lufthansa. We'll be home Saturday night. Can you believe it? Neither can we, and we're living it. ;)
Our time with the girls has been good. Danielle is already very attached. She's been waiting for a mama and papa for a long time and she gets concerned anytime one of us goes somewhere without everybody (into another building, out of the apartment, etc.). Emily is behaving pretty much as I expected. She was the pet of her groupa, and anytime she cried they gave her a cookie or a toy or whatever she wanted to get her to stop. Let's just say she's not receiving the same treatment now. ;) We had a long episode this afternoon that lasted for a couple of hours and was not pretty. Lots of self-stimulation behaviors--hand-flapping, hitting herself in the head--and just general disdain for doing what I wanted her to do (which was put her slippers on). Funny thing though, I asked her if she wanted to put her slippers on or go to sleep (neither of which she answered) and she continued with her behavior. As soon as I started to get her sleeping pallet out, she reached out and took hold of one of her slippers and put it on. ;)
Emily was pretty much an angel the rest of the evening and had lots of hugs and kisses for me before bedtime. She was not happy about having a bath but I bathed the girls together and she had decided it was okay by the end. Danielle is pretty self-sufficient in the bathtub--she does better than our boys do! They both had a hard time falling asleep tonight which is not a surprise. They are so over-stimulated just from all of the changes of the past few days. It took our boys a few months to really settle into a good sleep pattern, and I'm sure the girls will have a similar adjustment to make.
We are thrilled to be coming home so early; I had really anticipated that if we needed to change our flights it would be to extend our trip. We've got internet in our apartment in Kyiv now so I should be able to blog over the next couple of days. Sorry for the lack of pictures--we haven't had time to take any!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A conversation with my son
Last night, a whispered conversation while tucking Dima into bed...
D: "I love you, Mama."
M: Looking him straight in the eyes, " I love you, too."
D: "And I love God and Jesus...(long pause)...I not want go to heaven, Mama."
M: "Heaven is a nice place. You get to be with God all of the time."
D: "I not want go to heaven...I stay here."
M: "Yes, you'll stay here for a long, long time."
Big, big smile on his face.
When he first said he didn't want to go to heaven, I tried to reassure him that heaven was nice. What he meant is that he didn't want to leave us, not that he didn't want to go to heaven.
He gets it.
He gets that this is home. That he gets to stay here. That he's not leaving.
That he belongs here with us.
We'll work on wanting to go to heaven another day. ;)
D: "I love you, Mama."
M: Looking him straight in the eyes, " I love you, too."
D: "And I love God and Jesus...(long pause)...I not want go to heaven, Mama."
M: "Heaven is a nice place. You get to be with God all of the time."
D: "I not want go to heaven...I stay here."
M: "Yes, you'll stay here for a long, long time."
Big, big smile on his face.
When he first said he didn't want to go to heaven, I tried to reassure him that heaven was nice. What he meant is that he didn't want to leave us, not that he didn't want to go to heaven.
He gets it.
He gets that this is home. That he gets to stay here. That he's not leaving.
That he belongs here with us.
We'll work on wanting to go to heaven another day. ;)
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Exuberance for life
Lately, Dima seems to have found a new lease on life. He has been happier than I have ever seen him, and more affectionate too. We're seeing more genuine laughter and less of the chaotic, high-piched giggling that just comes from being over-excited. In addition, he has started exhibiting "normal" little boy behaviors that were missing before--like talking to and playing with his teddy bear.
Dima's teddy bear is a large brown bear that came from school. It sleeps with him at night, and he always wants it there, but he's never paid much attention to it until lately. Recently he's started talking to his bear at night before he goes to sleep. He tucks the bear in with him, or plays hide-and-seek with it under the covers. I'm so glad to see him experiencing strong independent pretend play. He does do pretend play, but in the past it has been intitiated by Zhenya.
We do have to curb his enthusiasm a bit at times--I think he gets so overwhelmed with happiness sometimes it just spills over. He's started bear-hugging people (adults) at church and extended family members. We're not concerned about his attachment. He's pretty solidly attached to us and still displays good signs of attachment. He's only hugging people he knows well, and that he knows Mark and I know well and that he sees us interacting with. But I still had to have a talk with him at church about reserving hugs for family and sharing high-fives and handshakes with friends. Of course, then we promptly went into church and Mark and I were hugged by several people. :)
It's hard to know if we should curb Dima's enthusiasm for loving on people. It's almost like he wants to share his joy with the world. And it's not wrong for him to want to hug people, we just need to teach him the appropriate times and places.
Dima's teddy bear is a large brown bear that came from school. It sleeps with him at night, and he always wants it there, but he's never paid much attention to it until lately. Recently he's started talking to his bear at night before he goes to sleep. He tucks the bear in with him, or plays hide-and-seek with it under the covers. I'm so glad to see him experiencing strong independent pretend play. He does do pretend play, but in the past it has been intitiated by Zhenya.
We do have to curb his enthusiasm a bit at times--I think he gets so overwhelmed with happiness sometimes it just spills over. He's started bear-hugging people (adults) at church and extended family members. We're not concerned about his attachment. He's pretty solidly attached to us and still displays good signs of attachment. He's only hugging people he knows well, and that he knows Mark and I know well and that he sees us interacting with. But I still had to have a talk with him at church about reserving hugs for family and sharing high-fives and handshakes with friends. Of course, then we promptly went into church and Mark and I were hugged by several people. :)
It's hard to know if we should curb Dima's enthusiasm for loving on people. It's almost like he wants to share his joy with the world. And it's not wrong for him to want to hug people, we just need to teach him the appropriate times and places.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
S.T.R.E.S.S.
The upcoming move is completely stressing Zhenya out. It's funny, because I would have expected it to affect Dima more, since he remembers more from their earlier years. He's actually doing pretty well.
Zhenya, on the other hand, is not doing so well. His behavior at school has been atrocious in terms of listening and obeying. I got a chance to talk to his teacher yesterday after school and her comment was "If I didn't know you guys, I'd think he was eating too much sugar." She said he's overly anxious and it seems like extreme nervousness--he can't sit still or settle down. What's weird about the whole thing is that we are NOT seeing this behavior when he's with us. We have had some behavior issues, but I think they are more related to him being 5 than anything else. ;) But his behavior at school and any time he is out of our sight is really bizarre, and I think he is absolutely terrified of the upcoming move.
The boys have never moved to a new place with a family. Every time they've moved, they've lost whoever was taking care of them. Can you imagine the terror he's feeling? He's 5, and whether it's a conscious thought or not, he thinks he's about to lose the first real mama and papa he's ever had. I think he's really trying to hang on to Mark--he keeps making things for him at school and bringing them home. "Mama, I made a watch for Papa...and these are some tools for Papa..." (they're all made of paper). It breaks my heart to think that he might think he's going to lose his papa.
Unfortunately, there's not much we can do other than reassure him. We're not going to talk any more about the move or the new house with the boys until we get much closer to actually moving in. I may try to do some structured play with the boys (or at least Zhenya) in the afternoons to help reinforce the idea that where we go, they go.
In the meantime, we've talked to the boys' teachers and they know what's going on. They are trying to be as consistent as possible and reinforce appropriate behavior. And we're just hanging on for the ride... :)
Zhenya, on the other hand, is not doing so well. His behavior at school has been atrocious in terms of listening and obeying. I got a chance to talk to his teacher yesterday after school and her comment was "If I didn't know you guys, I'd think he was eating too much sugar." She said he's overly anxious and it seems like extreme nervousness--he can't sit still or settle down. What's weird about the whole thing is that we are NOT seeing this behavior when he's with us. We have had some behavior issues, but I think they are more related to him being 5 than anything else. ;) But his behavior at school and any time he is out of our sight is really bizarre, and I think he is absolutely terrified of the upcoming move.
The boys have never moved to a new place with a family. Every time they've moved, they've lost whoever was taking care of them. Can you imagine the terror he's feeling? He's 5, and whether it's a conscious thought or not, he thinks he's about to lose the first real mama and papa he's ever had. I think he's really trying to hang on to Mark--he keeps making things for him at school and bringing them home. "Mama, I made a watch for Papa...and these are some tools for Papa..." (they're all made of paper). It breaks my heart to think that he might think he's going to lose his papa.
Unfortunately, there's not much we can do other than reassure him. We're not going to talk any more about the move or the new house with the boys until we get much closer to actually moving in. I may try to do some structured play with the boys (or at least Zhenya) in the afternoons to help reinforce the idea that where we go, they go.
In the meantime, we've talked to the boys' teachers and they know what's going on. They are trying to be as consistent as possible and reinforce appropriate behavior. And we're just hanging on for the ride... :)
Saturday, December 13, 2008
It could be easier
Sometimes it seems life would be much easier if we would just let things slide. But it's incredible to see changes that occur when we stick with it and enforce what we know will benefit us all in the long run.
Dima's behavior has made remarkable improvements since we tightened his reins a bit over the past couple of weeks. It hasn't been easy, though. Due to some undesirable behavior at school a week ago, he missed Mark's office Christmas party that Friday. Mark and Zhenya went and I stayed home with Dima. He also missed out on a playdate and had to come to band rehearsal with us last weekend (not exactly punishment for him, but he had to sit and he didn't get to play at their friend's house--so close enough). It's all worth it for days like today.
Mark played in TubaChristmas today. This is something like his 20th year participating, so this is an annual tradition for us. This morning, the boys and I dropped him off for rehearsal and then made a Walgreens run. We went home, played, and had lunch and then went to the Galleria for Mark's concert. Dima did so well during the concert, but better than his good behavior were his actions towards me. I spread out the boys' coats on the floor for them to sit on as the marble tile was a little hard, and he figured out he could stretch out and lay his head in my lap. He then asked me to rub his back as he lay there and if I stopped he would ask me to start rubbing his back again.
This from a child that 12 months ago would not touch us, and wasn't sure what to do when we touched him. If we picked him up he was stiff as a board--he wouldn't wrap his arms or legs around us at all. If anything, he would put a death grip on whatever clothing (not us--only our clothing) he could get ahold of out of fear of falling. The changes in his emotional state over the past year are nothing short of miraculous. And I really am serious about that. There have been times over the past year when I really wondered if Dima would ever be able to function normally emotionally. He just had so much baggage and so many survival skills that he had developed. And I wondered too if we were really the right people to be able to help him through this. While he will always carry those early memories for the rest of his life, I hope that he is learning to manage his baggage better, and that eventually he will be able to turn it all over and rest in the One whose yoke is easy, and whose burden is light.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
Dima's behavior has made remarkable improvements since we tightened his reins a bit over the past couple of weeks. It hasn't been easy, though. Due to some undesirable behavior at school a week ago, he missed Mark's office Christmas party that Friday. Mark and Zhenya went and I stayed home with Dima. He also missed out on a playdate and had to come to band rehearsal with us last weekend (not exactly punishment for him, but he had to sit and he didn't get to play at their friend's house--so close enough). It's all worth it for days like today.
Mark played in TubaChristmas today. This is something like his 20th year participating, so this is an annual tradition for us. This morning, the boys and I dropped him off for rehearsal and then made a Walgreens run. We went home, played, and had lunch and then went to the Galleria for Mark's concert. Dima did so well during the concert, but better than his good behavior were his actions towards me. I spread out the boys' coats on the floor for them to sit on as the marble tile was a little hard, and he figured out he could stretch out and lay his head in my lap. He then asked me to rub his back as he lay there and if I stopped he would ask me to start rubbing his back again.
This from a child that 12 months ago would not touch us, and wasn't sure what to do when we touched him. If we picked him up he was stiff as a board--he wouldn't wrap his arms or legs around us at all. If anything, he would put a death grip on whatever clothing (not us--only our clothing) he could get ahold of out of fear of falling. The changes in his emotional state over the past year are nothing short of miraculous. And I really am serious about that. There have been times over the past year when I really wondered if Dima would ever be able to function normally emotionally. He just had so much baggage and so many survival skills that he had developed. And I wondered too if we were really the right people to be able to help him through this. While he will always carry those early memories for the rest of his life, I hope that he is learning to manage his baggage better, and that eventually he will be able to turn it all over and rest in the One whose yoke is easy, and whose burden is light.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Answers to your questions
Thanks for all the comments and questions--I love those! :) I'm going to summarize some of the questions so if I don't answer exactly what you wanted to know, please leave me another comment and I'll try again.
Do the boys know?
Not exactly. We've talked about bringing more kids into the family and they are very excited about that, but they won't know about the girls until we get a travel date (at the earliest). Too many things can change with Ukraine. :)
Have the girls been available for adoption for very long?
I don't know how long they've been registered, but I know they are registered as there have been 2 or 3 families who have been referred to them and then opted not to adopt them. You might very well have seen their profile, Diana!
What other information do you have on the girls?
I do know what region and orphanage they are in, but I will not share any of that publicly until we have actually had our appointment and are in the process of adopting them. Other than that, we pretty much know only what is listed on Reece's Rainbow. We have, however, talked with another family that adopted from the same groupa as one of the girls so we have a little more information there.
Do you think Ukraine does bait-and-switch on prospective adoptive parents?
No, because Ukraine does not advocate for its children internationally. Do agencies do bait-and-switch...most definitely! Any agency that has photolistings for Ukraine is acting illegally, as Ukraine does not allow for children to be pre-selected for cost. The exceptions to pre-selection are learning about children through hosting programs, mission trips, and through other families that have adopted. Even in all of those cases, the SDA will not necessarily hold a child for you (particularly a young, healthy child). Reece's Rainbow gets all of their information from families who are adopting--so the information on the girls comes from families who have adopted from their orphanage. There is no money exchanged for any information and RR does not act as an agency. They simply advocate for children who need homes. Any family, working with any agency or independent facilitator, can adopt a child on RR.
How do you think your sons will respond to you returning to Ukraine?
This is an interesting question, because right now I don't think they "get" Ukraine. In the US, we learn about where we live (our country) when we start school. Even in kindergarten and first grade it can be difficult for children to grasp the concept of a whole country. Geography is normally taught starting at "neighborhood" and moving outward. Our boys had not started school when we brought them home, so they had never had any teaching on Ukraine as the country where they lived. And from their perspective, they never left (stay with me here LOL).
Mark and I were talking about this the other day, because the boys don't know that they ever flew in an airplane. Why would they? From the orphanage, they got in a car, got on a train (saw the train and got to look out the window as it was moving), got in another car, went into a building (airport), walked down a long hallway (gate to plane), and then sat down in some chairs for a long time (plane flight from KBP to JFK). On the plane we were not next to the window, so they never saw out. The plane had food, bathrooms, room to walk around--they have no clue that was an airplane. From their perspective, we took them somewhere else, but they don't recognize it as another country, just somewhere different than where we were before. The good thing is that we wouldn't be going back to the boys' orphanage, but I am concerned about the effect being somewhere where everyone speaks Russian would have on the boys. They have not responded well to Russian-speaking people here in the States.
Are you taking the boys with you?
This is something we're still discussing, and some of it will depend on when the adoption actually happens. If this one takes as long as the last one (almost 3 years!) we would definitely take them. If it happens this spring...we aren't sure. We don't really want to leave them for 3 weeks (initial trip) as we think that might be traumatic for them (just them personally, not all kids). But taking them with us brings a whole other set of challenges. We don't want them at the SDA meeting or at court--certain things are sometimes said in those places that the boys don't need to hear. Plus, we'd like to have time to bond with the girls before bringing them home. We're still looking at options with all of this so I'll keep you posted as the adoption progresses.
Do the boys know?
Not exactly. We've talked about bringing more kids into the family and they are very excited about that, but they won't know about the girls until we get a travel date (at the earliest). Too many things can change with Ukraine. :)
Have the girls been available for adoption for very long?
I don't know how long they've been registered, but I know they are registered as there have been 2 or 3 families who have been referred to them and then opted not to adopt them. You might very well have seen their profile, Diana!
What other information do you have on the girls?
I do know what region and orphanage they are in, but I will not share any of that publicly until we have actually had our appointment and are in the process of adopting them. Other than that, we pretty much know only what is listed on Reece's Rainbow. We have, however, talked with another family that adopted from the same groupa as one of the girls so we have a little more information there.
Do you think Ukraine does bait-and-switch on prospective adoptive parents?
No, because Ukraine does not advocate for its children internationally. Do agencies do bait-and-switch...most definitely! Any agency that has photolistings for Ukraine is acting illegally, as Ukraine does not allow for children to be pre-selected for cost. The exceptions to pre-selection are learning about children through hosting programs, mission trips, and through other families that have adopted. Even in all of those cases, the SDA will not necessarily hold a child for you (particularly a young, healthy child). Reece's Rainbow gets all of their information from families who are adopting--so the information on the girls comes from families who have adopted from their orphanage. There is no money exchanged for any information and RR does not act as an agency. They simply advocate for children who need homes. Any family, working with any agency or independent facilitator, can adopt a child on RR.
How do you think your sons will respond to you returning to Ukraine?
This is an interesting question, because right now I don't think they "get" Ukraine. In the US, we learn about where we live (our country) when we start school. Even in kindergarten and first grade it can be difficult for children to grasp the concept of a whole country. Geography is normally taught starting at "neighborhood" and moving outward. Our boys had not started school when we brought them home, so they had never had any teaching on Ukraine as the country where they lived. And from their perspective, they never left (stay with me here LOL).
Mark and I were talking about this the other day, because the boys don't know that they ever flew in an airplane. Why would they? From the orphanage, they got in a car, got on a train (saw the train and got to look out the window as it was moving), got in another car, went into a building (airport), walked down a long hallway (gate to plane), and then sat down in some chairs for a long time (plane flight from KBP to JFK). On the plane we were not next to the window, so they never saw out. The plane had food, bathrooms, room to walk around--they have no clue that was an airplane. From their perspective, we took them somewhere else, but they don't recognize it as another country, just somewhere different than where we were before. The good thing is that we wouldn't be going back to the boys' orphanage, but I am concerned about the effect being somewhere where everyone speaks Russian would have on the boys. They have not responded well to Russian-speaking people here in the States.
Are you taking the boys with you?
This is something we're still discussing, and some of it will depend on when the adoption actually happens. If this one takes as long as the last one (almost 3 years!) we would definitely take them. If it happens this spring...we aren't sure. We don't really want to leave them for 3 weeks (initial trip) as we think that might be traumatic for them (just them personally, not all kids). But taking them with us brings a whole other set of challenges. We don't want them at the SDA meeting or at court--certain things are sometimes said in those places that the boys don't need to hear. Plus, we'd like to have time to bond with the girls before bringing them home. We're still looking at options with all of this so I'll keep you posted as the adoption progresses.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Preparing the heart
Every year since we've been married, Mark and I have "adopted" a child for Christmas, either through an Angel Tree opportunity, through Operation Christmas Child, or through the Hundred Neediest Cases here in St. Louis. Our church is acting as a collection site this year for Operation Christmas Child and we have picked up our boxes to put together and bring back to church.
I picked 4 boxes--2 boys and 2 girls. ;) Just planning ahead, you know.
The problem (and why I need advice) is this: How do I explain this to the boys? I have tried talking to them about there being other children who do not have many toys or gifts--no interest. I tried mentioning the detsky dom, and how when they were there they didn't have many toys and had to share everything, but when I bring this up I'm losing Dima. He gets very antsy and starts trying to change the subject or go do something else (Zhenya sort of listens politely and then asks if he can go play. LOL). My guess is that Dima remembers the detsky dom and thinks there's a chance he may have to go back there--that I'm bringing it up to prepare them to be sent back. Which breaks my heart, by the way.
So do Mark and I just prepare the boxes ourselves and not involve the boys? I had really hoped to make this a family thing, but maybe they're not ready emotionally to grasp this idea. And I still think they (at least Dima) don't understand that this home and family is permanent. I know they've been home almost a year, but if you knew their complete background it would make perfect sense why he would be expecting to leave--and most of his transitions in the past have happened during winter.
I'm thinking maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with Dima, and maybe a little play therapy to reinforce this idea of family. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on how to help them understand what we're doing with Operation Christmas Child, I'd appreciate it. :)
I picked 4 boxes--2 boys and 2 girls. ;) Just planning ahead, you know.
The problem (and why I need advice) is this: How do I explain this to the boys? I have tried talking to them about there being other children who do not have many toys or gifts--no interest. I tried mentioning the detsky dom, and how when they were there they didn't have many toys and had to share everything, but when I bring this up I'm losing Dima. He gets very antsy and starts trying to change the subject or go do something else (Zhenya sort of listens politely and then asks if he can go play. LOL). My guess is that Dima remembers the detsky dom and thinks there's a chance he may have to go back there--that I'm bringing it up to prepare them to be sent back. Which breaks my heart, by the way.
So do Mark and I just prepare the boxes ourselves and not involve the boys? I had really hoped to make this a family thing, but maybe they're not ready emotionally to grasp this idea. And I still think they (at least Dima) don't understand that this home and family is permanent. I know they've been home almost a year, but if you knew their complete background it would make perfect sense why he would be expecting to leave--and most of his transitions in the past have happened during winter.
I'm thinking maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with Dima, and maybe a little play therapy to reinforce this idea of family. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on how to help them understand what we're doing with Operation Christmas Child, I'd appreciate it. :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
"I don't like you"
The other day I was in the kitchen fixing dinner, and Zhenya was in talking to me. All of sudden, he turned around, pointed at me, and said "I don't like you."
I must confess, my heart leapt into my throat and then sunk into my stomach, but I kept my composure and said "oh really, why?" And then it occurred to me that we've had a small problem lately with the word "don't", and for some reason when he says "I want" something, it comes out sounding like "I don't want" something. So I asked him "Do you like me or no?" and he said "I like you" and gave me a big hug. Whew.
It was a little startling to be told by your child that you've had for 8 months that he doesn't like you. :) I was expecting it a few years down the road, but not this soon. I was glad it was just a miscommunication.
I must confess, my heart leapt into my throat and then sunk into my stomach, but I kept my composure and said "oh really, why?" And then it occurred to me that we've had a small problem lately with the word "don't", and for some reason when he says "I want" something, it comes out sounding like "I don't want" something. So I asked him "Do you like me or no?" and he said "I like you" and gave me a big hug. Whew.
It was a little startling to be told by your child that you've had for 8 months that he doesn't like you. :) I was expecting it a few years down the road, but not this soon. I was glad it was just a miscommunication.
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