Every year since we've been married, Mark and I have "adopted" a child for Christmas, either through an Angel Tree opportunity, through Operation Christmas Child, or through the Hundred Neediest Cases here in St. Louis. Our church is acting as a collection site this year for Operation Christmas Child and we have picked up our boxes to put together and bring back to church.
I picked 4 boxes--2 boys and 2 girls. ;) Just planning ahead, you know.
The problem (and why I need advice) is this: How do I explain this to the boys? I have tried talking to them about there being other children who do not have many toys or gifts--no interest. I tried mentioning the detsky dom, and how when they were there they didn't have many toys and had to share everything, but when I bring this up I'm losing Dima. He gets very antsy and starts trying to change the subject or go do something else (Zhenya sort of listens politely and then asks if he can go play. LOL). My guess is that Dima remembers the detsky dom and thinks there's a chance he may have to go back there--that I'm bringing it up to prepare them to be sent back. Which breaks my heart, by the way.
So do Mark and I just prepare the boxes ourselves and not involve the boys? I had really hoped to make this a family thing, but maybe they're not ready emotionally to grasp this idea. And I still think they (at least Dima) don't understand that this home and family is permanent. I know they've been home almost a year, but if you knew their complete background it would make perfect sense why he would be expecting to leave--and most of his transitions in the past have happened during winter.
I'm thinking maybe I need to have a heart-to-heart with Dima, and maybe a little play therapy to reinforce this idea of family. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, if you have any thoughts on how to help them understand what we're doing with Operation Christmas Child, I'd appreciate it. :)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
This is a tough thing for these kids. I know my kids love to help with stuff like this, but it is so triggering for them. Even good stuff can trigger a sense of loss for them - loss for what should have been, loss of the years they spent without a family and with nothing, loss that they didn't know people were loving them, and loss of those they left behind (survivor's guilt.)
This may not be the year for them to understand. This may just need to be something mommy and daddy do by themselves. If the boys ask questions, or show an interest in participating, then let them, but otherwise, don't make a big deal about it.
Play therapy has been wonderful for my kids. It's kind of like peeling an onion...stuff comes off in layers. There is so much they still have to work through, both with trauma and attachment, but they are both making progress and they are healing. I have great hope that they eventually will be able to heal and work through their stuff.
I wouldn't hesitate at all in putting your son in. In fact, I'd highly recommend it if you're having any even little inklings towards it. If there are underlying attachment issues (insecure attachment most likely), the sooner you address them, the more complete and quickly the kids will heal. I put a post on my blog a few weeks ago about suggestions for finding a good therapist. There's a link to it in the FYI Posts section on my sidebar.
I agree with Diana, but do have one more thought...
Could you just keep it simple and explain that there are some children in other countries who don't have as much as they do and you want to share some presents with them for Christmas?
Maybe in a few years they'll be more confident in their permanent place in your family and you can introduce the rest of the reasons for doing Operation Christmas Child.
Just my two grivna.
Okay...oops. I just went back up and re-read the paragraph that said they weren't interested in that explanation. Sorry. I need to learn to really read and not just skim...something I'm constantly accusing the kids of doing! ;>)
Courtney,
If I remember right, you guys didn't do a big Christmas with them last year and had subdued birthday parties. Considering their background, they may not be able to understand that in this country, November and December are the giving season. I would follow Diana's suggestion...let them know what you're doing, but let participation be up to them. In the future, when they have experienced a couple of American Christmases, maybe they will get it. Good luck.
HI
Play therapy is fine, but I think you should come right out and tell the kids that they are staying with you permantly. It sounds do simple, but have you done that? At this age they need information presented at a very concrete level.Regarding the gifts for children in need, I understand your derire to involve them and have family traditions, but you have time. Don't oush the issue. They may just be too you and at this stage the world revolves around them so it is hard to understand the needs of others. Also Dima's antsy response to mentioning the detksy dom is understandable even without knowing his complete background. It is a reminder to you as parents that their lives at the demsky dom we vere poor at best. Why would Dima want to remember that place? It's is like an adult recalling a terrible experience, you would rather not think about it or relive it.
I don't have kids or adopted kids and can't speak to play therapy etc., although I think the existing comments have great advice about this. I wanted to share my personal experience with parents and "adopting" a Christmas child to give gifts to. Even though you want this to be a family thing (and I hope it eventually will be), I'd recommend that you and your husband do most of the work yourselves, particularly this year, and just let your boys watch you and enjoy it. My Mom supported a child or children this way every Christmas, as well as supporting a family by buying an extra Thanksgiving dinner to be delivered for that holiday, and various things like that. She never told my sister or me that we had to do the same, or that we had to participate as she did it. What she did do was let us know how good it made her feel, how she thought about the other family or children and wished them well, and how she felt blessed to share her blessings. So, for example, when she'd buy a toy for the other child/ren, she'd say, "Oh, I hope they enjoy this toy! I just love picking out gifts I think the other person will like. It's why I enjoy getting gifts for you girls, too!" And on the holiday, she might say, "I'm thinking of another family that I know has a delicious turkey dinner to sit down to tonight, and I'm hoping that they have as wonderful a family to share it with as I do." A lot of times she said these things almost to herself, or just "out loud," not particularly TO my sister and me. There may have been times when she had no idea if we were listening or if we cared. In fact, as teenagers, I know we both rolled ours eyes when she'd say these kinds of things, and we'd sigh, "Whatever, MOTHER." And yet despite that, both my sister and I participated more every year as we grew older. We went from watching her pick things out to helping her pick things out to wanting to buy something ourselves to include with her things to "adopting" our own holiday children right along side my Mom. And we did it because she made it clear that she found great joy in the giving, and that in that joy, it made her appreciate her own children and family even more. I'm sure the experience would be different with boys who have more trouble with communication and with emotions, but I thought I'd toss out the suggestion. Let them watch you (and your husband) do it this year, and you may find them more eager to participate next year, and as the years go on.
I'm dealing with a similar situation here...my soon to be 8 year old daughter (born in China) is not only not interested in reaching out to other children, she's downright jealous. She quite openly tells me so---that she is afraid I will like "those kids" better than her. We've talked about it many times, and though she can logically understand, her emotions just haven't caught up.
This year we are packing a box for Operation Christmas Child. I packed most of it, then took her shopping and asked her to choose two things she would like to have for herself, but was also willing to give away. There was initial reluctance, but she eventually picked a package of toothbrushes shaped like dolphins and some grape flavored lip gloss. She helped me put these things in the box when we got home. Admittedly, she's not particularly interested, but I feel like it's a great step to just participate. The whole key, I think, was asking her to pick a finite, small number of things and stress she should pick something she was willing to give away. I figure getting her to help out is a good first step. Interest and enthusiasm will develop later; the important thing is that she sees us reaching out and that she participates within her own comfort zone. It may take a while for her develop enthusiasm, but I have no doubt she will.
KTB
Post a Comment