A comment from my last post:
Play therapy is fine, but I think you should come right out and tell the kids that they are staying with you permantly. It sounds do simple, but have you done that? At this age they need information presented at a very concrete level.Regarding the gifts for children in need, I understand your derire to involve them and have family traditions, but you have time. Don't oush the issue. They may just be too you and at this stage the world revolves around them so it is hard to understand the needs of others. Also Dima's antsy response to mentioning the detksy dom is understandable even without knowing his complete background. It is a reminder to you as parents that their lives at the demsky dom we vere poor at best. Why would Dima want to remember that place? It's is like an adult recalling a terrible experience, you would rather not think about it or relive it.
Anon,
YES, we have definitely told them many times that they are with us forever. In fact, that was something we talked about EVERY NIGHT for several months. I've used lots of different language to explain that--since time is not a concept that kids this age fully understand, the idea of "forever" is not something they "get."
Last night Dima and I went over it again, albeit slightly differently. I want him to understand that no matter where I go, he's going too. So I told him (again) that he is going to live with Mama forever (stay with me on this one--I'm hoping I'm not prepping myself for a still-at-home 35yo son LOL). Then I asked him: If Mama moves to another house, where does Dima go? He looked at me and smiled, and I said "with Mama!" Then we repeated this several times with him telling me where he goes if I move somewhere. It's a lot of fun to do this, because when we have these conversations you can see him relax and he just starts smiling and giggling. The problem is it hasn't made it from his heart to his head (or vice versa depending on your perspective). He knows in his heart that we are his parents and he is with us always, but it's hard to convince that pesky mind with all of those memories that it's really true.
It's not so much that their lives at the detsky dom were bad. In fact, their lives were better there than they had been before that, and their orphanage was actually very nice in comparison to many that Mark and I have seen in Ukraine. It's that he doesn't want to go back. I don't think he's against remembering the detsky dom, but he thinks when we talk about it that it means he's going to go back there someday. So for us, I think it's important that when we are in safe situations and everyone is feeling comfortable, that we bring it up occasionally to help them understand that yes, it is okay to talk about it, and no, I'm never going back. Believe me, it's not a subject I push on them at all. I bring it up, see how they respond, and go from there. It's not like you can push meaningful dialogue and discussion with a 5 and 6 yo, especially when they don't have a great command of the English language. ;)
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4 comments:
I agree with the previous comments from Bethany and Tami--let the boys be as involved with the Christmas boxes as they want to be. The concept of "giving", especially to someone they don't know and can't see, is still pretty new to the boys. As they witness the joy and excitement created as you make preparations, they will want to participate even if they don't really understand the whole concept of helping others yet.
Mom
When you ask question you sure do get some answer's back don't you!
I think you are amazing! Not only are you raising two boys but you also have to think through just about everything. There are so many emotions and background to everything. Well done!
You know that my family beginning was/is different from yours. But, we do have some common bonds.
I've noticed with Michael through the years that he never seemed to get it either. About helping people who have less than us. But sometimes, when I least expect it, he will have a breakthrough.
So, it may not seem like they care, but doing the project even without a lot of talk about will effect them. I'm hoping all good effects!
At one point, we had to stop discussing that our kids were forever with us. It was like the constant reminder made them continually think about the possibility. Now we bring it up only once or twice a year by saying something like, "I am so glad that you are my daughter. Can you believe another year has went by?"
I agree, Christine--it's not something we want to dwell on. And in all honesty it had been awhile since we'd been over it, so it was probably good that it came up with the shoeboxes so that Dima and I could talk again. Now that Dima's language is progressing, he's started asking if we will come back when one of us goes somewhere. I think he still needs periodic reassurance that we are together as a family and that here that is permanent.
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