I've gotten a few requests for information on the issues surrounding attachment in adopted children. Let me assure you, we have had lots of time while in-process to read and research! ;)
Children like ours who have had a childhood where they have been bounced around often have difficulty in attaching to "forever" parents, in part because they have no idea what that means or that it's even true. For our boys, they have no idea that they won't be moved to another place in a few years or a month--that we are any different than any of the other people that have cared for them for the past few years. It will take a long time--probably at least a year, maybe longer--before they come to understand a little bit of our place in their lives.
Some children develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). From what I understand, it is believed that these children fight against the people who are trying to love them because they refuse to trust and believe that they are worthy of love. These children are usually well-behaved outside the home, but are abusive and combative to their primary caregivers. It takes a long time to diagnose RAD, and at this point we do not believe that our boys are showing any symptoms of RAD. We are seeing good signs of attachment, but it is a slow process especially since our boys are older and have been moved around so many times.
It will take a long time for us to develop the trust with the boys necessary to show them that we will be their parents forever. In the meantime, we may make some odd requests or do things that don't seem like "normal" parenting. Please believe that we are spending lots of time praying and seeking wisdom from other adoptive parents as we go through this transition. We will be keeping the boys' world pretty small for quite a while and not putting them in situations where they would have other authority figures--like childcare, Sunday school, gymnastics classes, etc.
If you're in close contact with new adoptive parents, here's a list of helpful dos and don'ts that I found on another blog (sorry for linking, but it's all there so well already!):
http://halladoption.blogspot.com/2007/10/attachment-advice.html
Sunday, December 30, 2007
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2 comments:
Courtney, the very best thing you can do in parenting your children right now (and forever) is to pray and ask God for wisdom. Just like you said. If anybody gives you any flak, you just send 'em to me:):):). God will ALWAYS give you the wisdom you need if you believe that He will. I think that is in James (the first chapter???).
Hugs!
T
Nice that your putting this out there. Hopefully all of your family reads. :) It looks like you are enjoying your boys. How sweet to get you flowers.
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